February 3, 2013 by somesauceontheside
It took me over forty years to figure out who I am. By that I mean I started to shed the view of how others perceived me and started to embrace who I am inside. Perfectly, imperfect me. When you grow up with a parent who is an alcoholic it forces you into a role not of your choosing. I don’t want to get mired down in my past. I have integrated what needed to be integrated and put in the past what needed to be put in the past. I still struggle with handling confrontation but I have gained some tools that I was lacking previously.
Moving on…I’m the middle child and the first daughter, I was the one that made everyone laugh and tried to smooth things over when sh*t hit the fan. I was and am the fun in disfunction 🙂 My brother who is the oldest was the protector, he tried to make up for my dad’s shortcomings. He is the kindest man you would be ever so lucky to meet. My sweet sister is the baby, she did every thing a good child was supposed to do. She hid the pain very well and has just begun to rebuild her life. My mom was the glue, for without her everything would have crumbled around us. She became both our mom and dad, not by choice but by necessity. She is an amazing woman with her love and incredible strength has brought me to the place I am today. With an education comparable to the 8th grade here in the United States my mom was able to learn English, leave a bad marriage, open her own business, bought her own home, then later bought more homes and helped us all get a home of our own. Quite impressive don’t you think? She says she would rather give to us with a warm hand instead of a cold one 🙂 We have a somewhat morbid sense of humor in our family.
She still remains the heart of our family. For me she is my touchstone, she guides me out of dangerous waters to the safety of firm ground. My mom was diagnosed with the most aggressive form of Breast Cancer in September of 2010. My world was turned upside down…the idea of this woman not being a part of my life was unacceptable to me. She approached Cancer the same way she approaches everything else in her life with strength and dignity. I traveled up to Santa Barbara every 6 weeks to help take care of her after each Chemo treatment. We cooked together, we laughed, we cried and she told me stories of her childhood in Germany. I saw my mom ravaged by the Chemo and yet she still looked beautiful to me. I am so grateful that she kicked Cancer’s ass, I know that some of my friends were not as fortunate as we were. Their parent/s are gone….mine is still here. My heart goes out to those friends and I often wonder how they deal with that.
So if you’ve read up to this point I want you to know that this blog is about regaining my health. I just wanted you to have a little background before I really get started.