This is my WHY


February 5, 2013 by somesauceontheside

My girls, love, love, love them!

My girls, love, love, love them!


Having children in your 20’s is the way to go.  You don’t know really what the heck you are doing so you never really feel like you are doing it wrong.  That’s why we have people around us right? To tell us what we are doing wrong…kidding of course.

I knew the moment I saw my oldest daughter that I did something very right.  She made parenting easy….she took to breastfeeding right away, she slept through the night before she was a month old and was such a happy baby.  My pregnancy was tough I vomited all 9 months, gained a ton of weight and had pre-eclampsia/high blood pressure.  My OB was worried and induced labor a few weeks before I was due.  My body went through all the motions of labor but she wasn’t ready to come out, so they took her by emergency c-section.  I recovered from the surgery quickly because when you are 20 you bounce back quickly!

I was 26 when my youngest was born.  My pregnancy was much easier this go round I was vomiting the first 5 months and then felt really good.  I didn’t gain nearly as much weight and decided I would try to have a VBAC with her.  I went into labor on my own at 8am Halloween morning and she was born at 2:30pm.  Labor was tolerable and she came out quickly.  Easy peasy was what I was thinking.  I went home the next day and things went down hill from there.

I woke up early the next morning with severe cramps and a fever of 105.  My OB had me re-admitted in the hospital that morning where they started me on a crap load of antibiotics.  A few days later my heart started to fail and the rest of my organs were starting to shut down.  What the heck?? I did everything I was supposed to do.  I ate right, took my vitamins and watched how much weight I gained.  I was rolled over to the cardiac unit, had an echocardiogram which showed one side of my heart barely pumping.  They put me on a C-Pap and told me I had postpartum cardiomyopathy and most likely would not make it through the night. Ummmm excuse me!!! What happened to being positive? Bedside manner much?

I was living in East Tennessee at the time and my mom was in California.  She was the first person I thought of when I was told I was dying.  Why couldn’t I have been a better daughter? Why did I always do things that caused her to worry about me? How many times did that sweet woman take care of me after a night of bad choices in my teenage years?  What if she can’t get here in time so I can tell her how much I love and appreciate her and all she had done for me, for us?  What was going to happen to my girls…my little baby was not even a week old. They re-admitted her into the hospital as well since we had no family nearby.  My husband and older daughter went home to rest and I settled into a night of making every deal with whatever Higher Power was going to listen. I was too afraid to go sleep because I didn’t think I would wake up.  My mom was on a plane and would be arriving in the late morning.  I would just take this one raspy, shallow breath at a time.

I’m still here so you know I recovered 🙂 My Cardiologist said he couldn’t explain why I got better and that I was very lucky.  I was put on a regimen of blood pressure medications/diuretics/blood thinners.  I vowed to make better choices for my health and I had the best intentions.   I was a smoker before I had my oldest about 1/2 pack to a pack a day.  I didn’t  smoke while I was pregnant or nursing.  I smoked between the births of my two daughters and quit again when we found out I was pregnant again.  I nursed my youngest until she was almost 3 years old.  I was told I would die if I had another child so I prolonged everything with my red-head.  I wasn’t ever going to experience that again so I tried to savor every moment.

Well as time went by I started to take for granted the second chance I was given.  I started smoking again, it was the thing that I thought helped keep my weight down.  I would have a cigarette instead of eating and I was right back up to a pack a day before I knew it.  We moved back to California and I was happy to be near family again.  We settled in to San Diego for my ex-husbands last tour in the Navy in 1996.  My marriage was over by 2000.  My fault…he is a good guy and a loving dad.  I met my current husband in 2002 and we were married in 2006.  I quit smoking in February of 2004.  I have other health issues and started taking medications for those as well.  Chronic migraines since my early teens and insomnia since my early thirties.  Lots of therapy with antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications thrown into the mix.  Fun times 🙂

Well I have had enough of all of that.  I am determined to get off of all my medications.  I’m tired of being sick and tired.  My children are beautiful and I want to be around to see them marry and have a family of their own.  My husband has stuck around to help me unpack all my baggage.  I not only need to feel better I finally feel like I deserve to feel better.  I’m sure my WHY is no more powerful than anyone else’s after all we all deserve to feel our best and enjoy this life we have been given.

He makes me smile :)

He makes me smile 🙂

Well there it is, that is my WHY.  2013 is my new beginning and if I slip up then I get the next day to start again.  I’m determined not to give up.  I can do this!


Michelle ❤

My girls and their dad.

My girls and their dad.

The Family at my oldest HS Graduation

The Family @ my oldest daughter’s HS Graduation

My crazy and hilarious husband.

My crazy and hilarious husband.

He thinks he is the Mad Hatter :)

He thinks he is the Mad Hatter 🙂

2 thoughts on “This is my WHY

  1. Mom says:

    Here’s to your health…

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