You Can’t Choose Your Father


February 6, 2013 by somesauceontheside

I forgive my Dad but as an adult I choose not to have him in my life.  My parents separated when I was in 6th grade and divorced soon after.  He has not had a drink since I was 16 years old.  After he got out of treatment he went to AA meetings for a short time but couldn’t get past the 8th step.  My Dad has never apologized to us.  He did other things to us besides abusing alcohol but out of respect to my brother and sister I will not share that here.  I haven’t spoken to my Dad in over 12 years.  I realize some will think that harsh but honestly I have nothing left to say to him.  I have a choice whether to include him in my life and I choose not to.

My Dad fell off the roof onto his head right before Christmas in 1995.  He damaged the frontal lobe of his brain and was in Rehab for almost 4 months.  My ex-husband was just transferred from Tennessee to California and we would be out by New Year’s Eve.  My step-mother wasn’t ready for him to come home so he went to a rehabilitation house called Solutions in Goleta, CA.  When I arrived in Santa Barbara my brother said you are going to be surprised how different Dad is.  He said to me “Michelle, the brain injury has made him so much nicer”.  Oh that’s just wonderful I thought…all he needed was to bust his head on the concrete to be a good guy.

Well I didn’t see this new and different Dad that my brother spoke of.  I didn’t have a job when we came out here so I was the one chosen to represent the family and help Dad through his rehabilitation.  He didn’t have any nice guy things to say to me 😦  At first he was confused and thought I was my Mom.  As he got better and more frustrated with rehab he said I was a bitch just like my Mom. Oh yes there it is, warm and fuzzy feelings from good old Dad.  When he came home and was placed on permanent disability I knew that the apology I was longing for was never going to come.

So I made a decision that I have never regretted making.  I don’t have my Dad in my life.  I started therapy soon after and started to rebuild what was broken in me.  I can’t fix my Dad but I can fix me.  I had a land line for years that was listed and he never called me.  He never asked me why I don’t want to see him anymore.  I guess he really doesn’t care.  I guess he doesn’t mind being broken.

That’s all I have for now.

Getting better every day,

Michelle ❤

One of my favorite Christmas presents from my hubby.  I don't play well at all but who cares!

One of my favorite Christmas presents from my hubby. I don’t play well at all but who cares!

2 thoughts on “You Can’t Choose Your Father

  1. Lydia H says:

    There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. When you forgive your dad, you will have a sense of relief. It is a breaking of a chain binding you to the past. It is also, quite often, a process, and not a singular event. It’s not so much about your dad, either. It’s not saying what he did, or didn’t do, is ok. It’s about letting go of the anger and the past. It’s for you. You can forgive without having a relationship.

    Reconciliation is having a relationship. Don’t feel pressured. Sometimes, it’s best to let go and move on. Be healthy, first. That’s most important. Your health, your happiness, your soberiety.


  2. Thank you, Lydia. I have forgiven him and done my best to let go. As a parent of two adult daughters I have a hard time understanding his indifference. I am not an alcoholic or addict. I have been to Al Anon to help me understand my family members who are struggling with addiction. It is indeed a process 🙂 many thanks for taking the time to comment.

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